Marketing Motormouth

We’ve all done it. You go into a shop to buy something which you have absolutely no idea about and ask some really good questions. The only snag is that whilst it makes perfect sense to you, the shopkeeper looks at you like you’ve got no clothes on.

I don’t like to admit this but I once went into a store to buy a shredder when I needed to shred 6,000 sheets of scrap A4 paper left over from a job and thought I’d picked up a bargain, buying it for under £150. After four hours use there was a loud grinding sound. I’d not asked the right questions and hadn’t bothered reading the instructions. Despite staff saying that I should go back and buy another one from the same store, I couldn’t face the embarrassment of winning the fool of the hour award. So, having learned my lesson and laughed about it, I never made the same mistake again.

This section is intended to be fun and sharing with readers some of the amusing things we hear every week from clients. If you’re a client then there’s no offence meant, it’s just a collection of common things which we get asked regularly. I hope you enjoy reading and can share our sense of humour. Whilst we dearly love working with our clients, like you, we have a good sense of humour too!

We’ve got a new camera, so I’ll supply you with the photos

Ever since the advent of digital cameras we’re inundated with clients supplying 8 megapixel blurred images for their brochures.

The truth of the matter is that nobody likes telling clients that their prized new brochure will turn out like a still from the Blair Witch Project, yet the subtlest of hints normally does the trick, like, sure this will be great when our design department touches out the date in the corner, but just as a matter of coincidence, we have a few hundred photos which may look even better, even though your shots are brilliant. Have you ever thought of turning pro? No, well that’s a relief then!

We’ll send you the copy by the end of the day

Okay, that’ll be great. The trick here is that the client hasn’t told you which day they were talking about. In our experience, it’s usually the day after the deadline expires!

We’ve ran this by everyone, but the cleaner didn’t like it

Let me get this right, we’re talking about people who won’t let anyone else have a say when it comes to choosing their company car, yet they’ll let a passer by comment on their new advertising campaign. Probably the strangest one I’ve heard is a client who gave it to his 14-year-old son to take into school to see what the Business Studies students thought? This was a campaign that was due to feature in the daily newspapers 72 hours later. Can you believe it!

Can you make the logo any bigger?

Of course we can, but we’ve made it this size because it looks better. I have friends in a few agencies around the country and all we can conclude is that their must be some virus going around which affects clients eyesight. I heard one story about a client who asked for their logo to be made so big that it took up more than half of an A4 front cover. I personally would have recommended Specsavers!

I want you to pitch, but you’re the favourite to win

In the heady advertising days of the 1990’s advertising agencies used to make so much money from each client that they didn’t care how many times they had to pitch to win the business, because it only took one new account to make up for the ones they lost. That may have been the case then, but in the days when four hours photo retouching would set you back a whopping £5,500 in today’s money, they could afford to do it for free couldn’t they?

There’s no doubt about it, there’s always a need to pitch for £50,000+ profit accounts, however some clients have got it into their heads that you’ll be grateful to pitch for under £5,000!!! Whilst there are bedroom designers and start-up agencies willing to do this, clients who believe they are getting a bargain simply have missed the point. Marketing and advertising is about maximising client profits from increased turnover and this requires a tremendous level of skill. I’ve sat in client meetings where I’ve made them 5% increase in profit simply by taking a look at their business and giving them the answer for free. That is of course, when we’ve got their account. As for the line, ‘You’re the favourite to win’ beggars belief – do clients think agencies are completely stupid?

So we say to clients that it’s okay to ask us to pitch for your business against ten other agencies, but in the long run it will cost you as you’ll be excluding the decent agencies who you’ll get the best from, leaving you with plenty of free ideas which have a high chance of failing in practice.

My boss said that we need to add three photos in the blank area , but we still want minimalist

This is the time when you send in your best friend, dictionary.com. If you can’t convince your client that their minimalist brief was read by the creative team as minimalist then it’s time to educate them that just because it sounds good doesn’t excuse the fact that they don’t understand what minimalist means.
The classic was the client who insisted on their 8-page brochure being simple and minimalist, then insisted that they required over 3,000 words of copy between pages 2-8. Eventually the client opted for 16-pages, only to add an extra 1,000 words just before print deadlines. Who says that clients don’t have a sense of humour – not us!

If you do this one at a good price, we’ll give you lots more work

Cue laughter! If they gave away 100 air miles for every time a new prospect said this, I’d have enough to book a return flight to mars by now.

We’re looking for a new agency. Send your portfolio

… to a fictitious email address
… by post to your newest competitor
… to someone who had a dream about setting up a new business
… to the person who can’t actually make the final decision
… and you’ll never hear from us again

I need to add an extra page to this 64-page catalogue!

That’s great, is it an insert they need or have they discovered a 1-dimensional world where they sell single sided paper. Whatever you do, just nod and politely explain that pages are like animals on Noah’s Ark, they come in pairs and then have a brainwave and tell them you’ll print another two pages for free!

I’ve got a brilliant idea, a website which is going to be the new Google.. can you do it for £5k

My friend tried a similar line when he went into the Aston Martin dealership with his savings, dressed in his corduroys at age ten. Try telling them that you’re on the Board of Google and it would be a conflict of interest. Whatever you do, don’t say it’s a good idea. I remember a new potential client who insisted on seeing me for a meeting with one such idea.

After travelling the length of the country, she gave me a copy of her business plan. Eventually after a quick read, I typed in the address of Facebook and hey presto, it was exactly what she was planning to do… just one problem, we’ve all heard of Facebook and a clone of the site for under 8’s isn’t going to get you a place next to Richard Branson on the rich list.

Why don’t the colours on our website match our letterheads?

This is a simple one to answer, just ask the client to look for a torch. Are you with me on this? Now get them to turn the torch on and shine it through their letterhead from the back, meanwhile asking them to tell you if the colours look more like their website yet. If this doesn’t work tell them to turn off the room lights, then their computer screen and go home!

I’ve just spoken to someone who can guarantee me number one slot on Google

Must be that Simon Cowell has started a new SEO business. He seems to be the only one that guarantee’s number one nowadays. It takes less than half a brain cell to fathom this one out for yourself. Could it be that Google is going to allow people to know exactly how it works? This would make Google pretty much worthless and, trust me, one of the most successful companies in history with all the top brains wouldn’t be outwitted by a man with a mobile from Manchester.

This one reminds me of a young client who began our meeting by saying that he wanted to set up a website which could run itself so that he never had to work again. Could we help him develop a business idea for him that would guarantee this for him. Hang on a minute, this is a client who wanted us to give him an idea for a guaranteed money making scheme without doing any work. Smart guy hey?